textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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