Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
