Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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