So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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