god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
