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I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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