I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
We left the knife in your bed.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
