I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
