Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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