im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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