someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
