how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
