I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
