I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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