I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
