Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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