Where did you get a picture of my penis
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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