i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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