I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
