I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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