no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
