Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
