remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
