she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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