Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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