we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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