i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
