Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
