I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
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