My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
