I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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