I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
