is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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