wakey wakey hands off snakey
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
