Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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