a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
