would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
