just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
