Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
