Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
