I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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