Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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