stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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