My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
