Cold hands, warm shart.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
