So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
