I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
