found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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