Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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