one two three fourrrrnication!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
