im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
