Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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