The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
