the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.