The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...