so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you will always have a special place in my vag
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.