apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I bet he comes in French.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
