One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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