I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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