so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
