Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
