Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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