he shaved USA in his pubs
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
